New Roasted Chickpea Earrings

 Holiday art on the walls.  Homemade (like you couldn't tell).  I need to take all this down soon.

 Roasted Chickpeas with salt, pepper, paprika and garlic.

 Thoven "The Destroyer" only survives some days because he's so durn cute.

 New earrings from a distant friend (miss you, dear) and a thick sweater to combat the cold my apartment can't seem to cut.

The big excitement for the day is that I'm getting my hair cut tonight.  A friend who is in a show with me right now has her cosmetologist license so for a few bucks and a bottle wine:  Haircut.  And much needed it is, too.  I think it's been two years since I was even in for a trim.  Yipes.

Aside from that I experimented with roasted chickpeas (too much time in the oven, but not terrible), got a new pair of earrings (thank you, L), and started journaling again.  No pictures of that - it's private, ya know. 

In my time on this earth I've started and stopped a journal at least a half dozen times.  I get going for a while and then something comes along to keep me from writing an entry for one day and suddenly, derailment for months at a time.  I'm not going to lie and say that this time it's a life-long thing...I embrace my true procrastinatic nature...but it IS interesting that every time I go back and read my previous journals the themes are always the same (as I Think I mentioned just yesterday, yes?). 

This morning I caught myself daydreaming about working with such and such a person or on such and such a project.  I literally sat for 30 minutes doing nothing but picturing myself in positive environments.  Now, don't get me wrong, I realize that visualization is key to making goals realities, but at some point you have to stop visualizing and start Doing, right?!  So, once I woke up to what I was doing I made a point of making professional development a big part of my day.  To that end I worked up and sent off an audition and have some more plans for later tonight...including more visualization (wink).

Vorpal Bunny Strikes Again

I've been having an argument with my closet lately.  I just don't agree with it anymore on just about any topic.  Nothing fits quite right and if it fits it doesn't feel right, ya know?  This phase has been going on for a couple of months now, so I'm hoping that I'll be able to slowly start integrating some new items in.  I picked up a new scarf the other day at a resale shop (which should, given its size, have a LOT more good finds, but always disappoints instead) which I'll wear one of these days and show off to everyone.  Until then, though, or until I'm particularly pleased with what I place on my body, you'll be getting a different kind of post.

I think these are more fun anyway. :)

This is what my desk is covered with for now.  The desk itself is actually a table from a play I was in back in college.  I kept bugging the TD to let me have it as I loved the texture and age.  He finally caved during senior awards night.  :)  He passed away last year.  I think of him fondly every day at this desk.  The teacup and saucer are from my Grandma who also passed away last year.  I think of her every day too.  The notebook is a catch-all for my personal life. I was just re-reading a note I'd written to myself in November when I was getting down on myself for not doing "better" at an audition.  Sometimes I just need ot sit myself down for a good chat.  I have loads of notes to myself in various notebooks and it's interesting to go back and re-read some of the old notes.  My advice to me actually rarely changes - it's all basically the same thing over and over in different ways: stop getting so down on yourself, start doing what you Want to be doing even in little ways, and disappointments are not disappointing in the long run.  I am earnestly trying to listen to me for once this year.   The web site I'm on is one of the MANY blogs I read - this one is a food blog.

I just got this tea kettle for Christmas from Mom & Dad.  I love it.  It's small and colorful and does exactly what I need it to do.  All I want for Christmas is practical gifts.  The little green thing in the background is my new salt and pepper shaker set also from Mom & Dad for Christmas.  Again with the color and useful.  Love it. 

I finished reading Cymbeline last night (Shakespeare).  It's one of his lesser known for a reason.  Though there are a few monologues I might try to acquaint myself with therein.

Williams (Will) is my senior gal.  She's a sweetheart.  She's been with me ever since I moved to the city.  When I first got her she wasn't all that social. She didn't like new people and while she liked sitting Near me, she was by no means a lap cat.  Sitting On me was just a step too far, I guess.  Well, in the past couple of months she's opened up and now greets anyone new to the apartment and to top it off (this is my favorite) she sits on my lap every day now when I'm winding down for the night.  Love her.

My friend T won the office secret santa the year he got me these Vorpal Bunny slippers.  It's well and truly cold outside now so my apartment is having a hard time keeping up with the heat.  My response is to whip these bad boys out and toast my tootsies right up.

Jeans and Button Downs

I seem to be wearing these jeans a lot lately.  Or at least they seem to be what I wear when I post to this blog.  Perhaps that just means that I feel good in them.  They're my only jeans, so that could have something to do with it too.

You heard/read that right, I have 1 pair of jeans.  Which is a lie.  I have two pair, but the other pair has no stretch.  Because they have no stretch they don't get worn nearly as often though at least they fit now.

Lots of women with blogs have dozens of pairs of jeans and while I suppose I have nothing against owning multiple pair, I've a) never found multiple pair that I particularly liked, 2) can't fathom spending more the $30 on any item of clothing which pretty much rules out most good jeans and c) hate jean shopping.  There's nothing more depressing as a woman than got into store after store trying on denim in multiple cuts and sizes to find that none of them actually fit you.  Find a pair of 10s at Gap that might work if the rise were lower, a pair of 4s at Macy's that would fit your waist if only you could get them over your thigh and a pair of 6s at Old Navy that fit until you try to sit and then they miraculously and permanently stretch into size 12s.  Anyone familiar with this tale?

I woke up to the jeans situation some time ago and decided that the better quality you get, the better the fit.  Sadly the better quality you get the more expensive it seems to be.  I ain't payin' $200 for any pair of clothing that doesn't brew me a cup of coffee, cuddle me at night, designs my business cards and buys me jewelry for my birthday.  Which is why, dear reader, I went to Nordstrom's one day, tried on all the priciest jeans, noted my size and went home to find a pair on ebay going for $25.  That's how that's Done.

Tank: Hanes (men's)
Shirt: Oscar de la Renta (thrifted)
Jeans: 7 for All Mankind (ebay)
Shoes: Connie (ummm...can't remember...Marshall's?)

That's more like it - 11/9/12

It would seem that I'm back - a bit.  Now that I'm on my own again and trying to pursue a number of dreams I'm back on the trail of posting to my blog.

Dream hunting is turning out to be a bit more fun than I expected.  Every bit as nerve wracking, but also I'm finding confidence I didn't know I had and joys I never would have had the chance to experience otherwise.

I find I'm looking at the world with a different bent than before.  Seeing things I never saw before and experiencing fears on my own.  It's an empowering way to live.  One of the many joys I've experienced is a "family" dinner with close friends I've not been 100% in touch with up to now.  That was the night I wore this:

Jeans - Seven for all Mankind (ebay)
Tank - Old Navy (lost and found in the laundry room - hey, I'm not too proud to admit it)
Jacket - Vintage (gift from costume shop)
Boots - Aerosoles (Piperlime, gift)
Necklace - Forever 21

3 out of 4 Ain't Great

They say that there are 4 major life changes that cause unprecedented stress. 
1. Death of a child/spouse/close loved one
2. Moving
3. Divorce
4. Loss of Job

I've been dealing with 3 out of 4 since September 19th. 
I've often written on this blog about "restarting".  It's the whole "I'll-be-more-consistent-from-now-on" promise and I always mean it.  It rarely happens though.  Old habits dying hard and all (complete with German baddie being pushed off the top of a skyscraper in LA).

Well, life or the universe or whatever has just given me one Hell of a restart and by God I am taking it.  I am determined to use the freedom caused by great loss to propel me into a new path - the path I've always talked about wanting to follow.  The path that's always been available, but too scary.  Ain't nuthin' scary now.

In fact, I've been calm and philosophical about it all.  It's not that I'm not upset (I have my moments...in private), but that there's so little I can do about any of it.  There's really no point in getting distraught to the point of inaction over something I didn't cause and can't stop.  Best to pull on a pair of hip waders and slog through it.  So, I'm slogging. 

And when I come out on the other side of the muck there are going to be some changes around here. 
First, I will hold myself responsible for pictures and content on this blog.  Time to make good on all those promises.  Plus, I'll be doing a lot of thrifting looking to fill out those new diggs I'm having to rent, so there'll be metric boat loads of content.  There'll be outfit pictures, furniture pictures, arts& crafts pictures, and even food pictures.  Content Galore, kids!  Keep your eyes peeled for 11/1.

Pre-first, I need to get that pesky move out of the way then I need to buy my own computer so I can upload all this goodness.  Then first will happen. 

I'll be honest, once the sheer terror of a restart on this scale simmered down it's been nothing but exciting.  I am looking forward to the rest of my life because I haven't imagined it - it's all new.  This is not a path I would have thought would Be available to me so I never put my mind to it.  Now that I have to, the freedom of no preconceived notions is amazing.  I can do anything.  I always could, but now I see it's true.

Oh the Stories I Could Tell

I have to chuckle at my own determination, or lack thereof with regard to this, my blog.  Every once in a while I become very determined to blog and then I get home at 11p knowing I have to get up for work at 5a and I lose all steam. 

Lots has happened since February when I last posted (are we shocked?) so let me give you the rundown on life.

1. G got into grad school, so we'll be moving to Massachusetts in August.  We're excited and terrified, as we should be.
2. I've reaffirmed my personal commitment to theater.  Didn't know that needed to happen, didja?  Well, now you do, but rest easy - I'm back
3. Grandma, who was the glue that held that side of the family together, passed away.  She was 88 (almost 89) and a kind and gentle force to be reckoned with.  She'd struggled with cancer for several years so while I miss her terribly, I can't be sad that her suffering is over.
4. Because of the happening mentioned in #1 above, I have the incredible opportunity to hit the restart button on life a bit.  Of course I'm looking for work and all that, but there's a certain freedom in knowing that my skills are transferable to loads of fields which keeps my options for the future blissfully open.
5. G and I have both found a Lot of excellent thrifting finds.  Hopefully I'll be posting more of those in the last half of this month.  
6. I have been enjoying the out of doors in summertime more than I can recall doing since I was a seriously young little lady.  I am absolutely Loving the sunshine and warm temps for long walks to the beach or though parks and Adoring the quiet cool of a cold beer on the front porch while we water the lawn at midnight-thirty when we're the only ones up except the lightening bugs.  Long sentence...was that a run-on?  Anyone really care?  No?  Good.
7. Other tragedies big and small have occurred to those around me and I suppose to me as well.  We all muddle through as best we can and try to find the silver lining.  Silver's worth something these days...I mean with the economy still stalled and all...

I'd love to say that I'll have an outfit post or food post when I get home, but instead I'm going to play it by ear.  I'll see you when I see you and hopefully that'll be sooner than later.

D

...Of a Lovely Lady

Here's the story. I know it's been positively ages since I last posted anything on this blog. I have an outfit post to come from a previous January day or two, but I thought I would also offer something by way of an explanation of my absence.

I have a tendency to struggle with the idea of blogging as a worth-while pastime. When I blog it seems normal and nice and all that. It doesn't complete me or anything gradiose like that, but it's fun and it harms no one. When I'm prevented from blogging (usually due to a lack of time) I start to think of blogs as a whole as being silly and, in the case of fashion/style blogs, grotesquely vain. And I mean that word, grotesquely. How can I be so hypocritical? In this case absence seems to make the heart grow distant for me and, well, clearly I'm torn.

Let's face it, anyone who puts their own image up on the web for the world to see AND ADMIRE is, in a certain sense, vain. There's no way around that. Now, before you jump down my throat for saying that ON MY OWN BLOG, please understand that I also truly Value fashion/style blogs. I used to read magazines. Now I read blogs. The women who post these daily diaries are far more beautiful than anyone on the pages of a glossy magazine. Far more beautiful and far more creative as well. They are do-ers, dreamers and risk-takers. These people show you what good self-esteem is all about - they show the world of readers what it looks like in the flesh, how it talks and how it moves. These are admirable people.

At the same time the little devil on my shoulder is calling me silly, vapid, and vain for having a blog of my own.

You see my problem? From time to time the devil on my shoulder wins and Puritan me says, "NO! Thou shalt not blog!" I say that jokingly, but it does almost feel like a moral matter (though it's not) (And no, I haven't missed the fact that I just unwittingly equated the devil with Puritanism...seems my inner thoughts are saying something to me). And then my optimism wins out again and the little Powerful me on my other shoulder tells Puritan me to stuff it, "Blogging is fun and harmless," she seems to say.

For the past month, little Puritan me has ruled and blogging was not to happen. Today I'm optimistic and feel it's possible for Powerful me to lead the parade. I promise you that I will continue to struggle with this and there will be chunks of time with no posts and no activity. But I am trying to listen more to Powerful me rather than Puritan me and to make decisions based on whether or not the result will make me happy without harming others. As I grow, so too will this blog.

Thanks for letting me get my thoughts out on "paper". If you struggle with this too, I'd love to hear your thoughts. If you don't struggle with this, I'd love to hear your thoughts too.